While the babies have been sleeping I opened the computer many times this week. I go to write a post but end up just staring blankly at a word doc with absolutely nothing coming to mind. It’s like my head is too full in order to organize my thoughts, or the complete opposite. It’s absolutely empty. Tired and empty. In all likelihood it’s probably the latter.
Things that pop into my head as I stare at this blank document is that, yes, I’m tired.I’m hot.I’m so hot.I would use an exclamation point but it would be a lie.Nothing comes out of my mouth with that much oomph these days. I have to pump a lot.The twins need supplementation because they are so small and need to gain more weight. Prepping food is like a ginormous production line. I want to tell you how cute they are and if I weren’t lacking so much motivation I would like to do multiple costume changes with them and admire their cuteness.But that sounds like a lot of work.So I don’t want to do that at all.And did I mention that I’m hot? I love the couch. It’s my new best friend.If I didn’t feel guilty I would stay in bed.But that’s a bit much. (I do really push it to the limit though…) I still have to take their hospital bracelets off their ankles because they are getting a bit fitted.Oh, and I need to paint one of their nails so I make sure not to confuse them for life.That would be traumatizing.
I did forget about some of the more difficult memories of raising the twins big sister. I only really remember the more cute memories of her infancy. Being constantly over-tired, the brain-loss, the all nighters, the lack to be able to smile even though you feel fine were not the first memories that came to mind. One memory that I always looked back on with big sister was rocking her as she lay on my chest during one of the middle of the night feedings. It was so peaceful and we were both so content. I loved that moment and when I thought back to infancy that is what came to mind. There must be some law of infancy that only allows you to remember the amazing moments. I mean let’s be honest, if someone asked, “Who never wants to sleep again?” you wouldn’t be jumping up and down yelling, “Me! Me! I never want to sleep again! I actually love no sleep and I’m really smart when I never sleep.” That just doesn’t happen. So I guess you forget and the great memories take over. Not a bad thing.
But this really is what motherhood is all about. It only works because you created these little beings. They are your own and you love them as soon as you lay eyes on them.Even sooner.When you find out you’re pregnant.If that phenomenon didn’t occur this job wouldn’t work or even exist.People would listen to the list of qualifications and run.Far.Away.They would hop on the next plane and travel to an exotic, tropical island and enjoy a cocktail (or three) as they lay in the white sand, looking out at the perfect aqua marine water and say, “Phew, that was a close call.”
But being a mom doesn’t work like that. It is one of the few instances that you really don’t care that you have become second, third, or fourth in line to worry about. You’ve got one job to do. You gotta keep these little people alive, fed, clean, well rested… And as exhausted as I am to get up in the night and as my body fights against my eyes and says it cant do it, I scoop up the babies and begin to feed one. They knowingly look at me. My touch and voice are familiar and comforting to them. They feel soothed and content just to be with me.And as simple as it sounds that makes it all worthwhile.